Dear God, this is Ramu

Most of the times I am a secular agnostic. Let me be, let me think on my own and I veer towards deism, preach to me, take me to a temple and I’ll become an atheist. In the 6th grade I developed a strong antipathy towards religion, it’s a long reason which involves civics, history, certain irritating family values, proselytizing, feminism and Aastha Channel. At around the same time I lost my faith in reincarnation and god, it’s a long story involving, goldfish, Mr. Walt Disney and the Discovery Channel, it’s also more boring that it sounds. I became an insomniac, awake at all odd hours of the night pondering the meaning of life, the universe and everything else. I was scared of death, scared of not being able to think anymore, of not being able to be. I felt like a hypocrite because I couldn’t tell my family, and would still visit temples, still pray when expected to and even worse, ask for favours from a god I didn’t believe in (please..... please...... please, do something about the pimple on my nose)

In 3rd Grade my Parents signed me up for a Hindu Sunday School called Bal Mandir. This is the first time I am publicly admitting that I went to Sunday School, and while I’m admitting things I’ll admit that I enjoyed myself there. Bal Mandir was surprisingly Fun, they had a lot of stuff happening on the side which I got to take part in, unlike school where I was lost amongst the great un-charismatic, very-ordinary masses. There were elocution competitions which I got to win, being a natural at blab even at that young tender age. There were cultural programs with really bad dancing, I was always Krishna, and had to stand in the centre like a statue, in a blue T-shirt, Yellow satin Dhoti holding a bansuri while the other girls got to dance around me in pretty lehangas. There were annual day functions with bad acting, I remember the first time I took part, and I had only one line, “arre! yah nevala toh manushya ki boli mein bol raha hai!” I ended up forgetting my cue and had to be prompted, I consoled myself with the thought that this line was supposed to be said with astonishment (“ashcharya mein” was the exact description), and that the delay merely indicated how very astonished I was- at least that’s how my loving mother consoled me.

I guess what I ended up taking away from Bal Mandir came from the time I refused to be Krishna, and was given a 2 page moral to recite at the end of a play. No I don’t remember the moral, in fact I didn’t even memorize it like I was supposed to, I lost the only sheet it was written on, and forgot about it until D-Day dawned. My mother instead of behaving like the loving parent she normally is, refused to call me in Sick and sent me, a shaking, quavering 9 year old to face and ‘fess up my misdeed to Tara Di. “Chee! Chee! sab gobar kar diya!” That line still rings in my ears as I’m about to do something wrong, let someone down or embarrass myself. As a punishment I was given the lead role in the annual day function. Needless to say this time around, I knew all my cues, all my dialogues and didn’t protest too much at having to play an old Man, a Crazy old man at that, complete with fake beard and very real stick with which I could hit people. My adoring Aunt was appalled when the best actor prize was given to someone else, my loving mother told me that someone else who won it did a better job and deserved it.

My experiments with religion and god still continue, I am no longer scared (there’s no point..... it’s not going to matter), I no longer stay awake all night wondering what will happen to my (fabulous! And Narcissistic......) mind when I die, and I (very surprisingly), no longer hate Religion the way I once did. In fact, from thinking that I could believe in God but not Religion, I now feel that I could appropriate some religious values in my life, but I’m still not sure about God. Remembering Bal Mandir, even though I don’t remember any of the shlokas I was sent there to learn, I do remember snippets of their meanings, and they’re beginning to make more and more sense to me as I grow up, not-so irritating Family Values, studying history again, re-reading and re-evaluating the Ramayana and Mahabharata, all this has led to a very gradual change in my beliefs, I didn’t realize it was happening until it happened and I can’t tell you in which grade I realized that It had happened. Perhaps for these reasons this belief will be a more permanent and flexible one, I’m allowing myself to change naturally, instead of clinging to what I think is right. As of writing this post I am an Agnostic, Secular, Hindu. If I change my mind, I’ll let you know.