I get By, If we Try

This blog is supposed to help me improve my (once upon a time) non-existent writing skills. My first, biggest supporter in this endeavour and the person, who finally got me started, is Hakuna Matata. Which is why, I am ashamed to admit that once upon a time I did not appreciate Hakunas Poetry writing efforts. I could do much better, I told myself. This air of superiority quickly evaporated when I actually tried to write something and discovered my lack of any (poetry, prose, drama, test-answers, internship application) writing skills. Since then (that was a good three years ago) I have managed to produce this blog and some pathetic and extremely pretentious attempts at poetry, I still haven’t managed to get around to writing test answers and my internship applications are written by my parents.

The chirpy (and slightly daft, is there ever any other sort) best friend on a TV show announced that, “Yes! She was dating and that they were in ‘like’, she and her boyfriend liked each other”. This made me smile and reminded me of one of my poems I had written earlier. It was all about a girl explaining to her (possibly indignant and ego-ruffled) boyfriend that she doesn’t “love” him but yes she does “Like” him and that she doesn’t use either word lightly. This led to another memory of my birthday, it must have been 4 in the morning and the revelries were just winding down, we were lying on my bed exhausted with dancing and high on cola and ice-cream (I do drink....... It’s just that I drink like a hyperactive 5 year old) and the song “Mera Pehla Pehla Pyaar Hai” was bursting through the speakers, someone tried to get me to name one person to whom I could dedicate this song and I drew a blank! I thought and thought, but it came to naught. No one, no love, no crush no nothing. I guess it made me feel alone. This feeling of being alone used to come quite often, it’s getting rarer as I get more and more comfortable in my own skin and even more importantly as I get more and more accepting of others. But when it does come, I crash and Burn. Last night we were high again, (on alcohol, cola and freedom from moots respectively) and the talk turned to boyfriends, flings and the like, the problems, the fun, the dilemmas, the .......... the high with freedom from moots friend sighed and said that she missed her ex. I could feel a shell starting to grow, I miss exes I never had.

This feeling of being ‘alone’ is very psychologically upsetting and hurting and physically discomfiting, I once described it to my mother as, “you can literally feel the hormones and chemicals whooshing around in your body, reacting, bubbling and boiling over”. I also feel guilty, I have never had these many friends, such close, steady and supportive friendships. Perhaps I feel lonely, because I can’t empathise with them when they have these relationship talks, I feel different, because I have no clue and nothing to say to them, no way of helping them, no way of understanding them. No way of understanding me, is it a repressed sexuality manifesting itself as complete asexuality, or maybe I am asexual, maybe I’m a repressed homosexual thus acting asexual. My head could burst, when will I be able to find answers? I don’t know.

I get by, to quote Richard, Paul, George and John, with a little help from my friends and an abundance of optimism. For you see despite being a brainwashed, brahm - Guilt enveloped, practical, not very girly, man hating, feminism spewing, not a good human being (so, I’ve been told, but that’s another story) oblivious and lost girl, I am a romantic at heart. Things will happen, I will make them happen, I have faith in fate and I have faith in myself and some person out there. I will find my answers and I will overcome the whooshing hormones, whether with a guy, a girl my friends or my family. I don’t have a relationship, but I do have a song.

When I see you on the street, I lose my concentration.
Just the thought that we might meet creates anticipation.

Won't you look my way once before you go
and my eyes will say what you ought to know.
Well I've been thinkin' about you day and night
and I don't know if it'll work out right
but somehow I think that it just might...if we try.

Faces come and faces go in circular rotation.
But something yearns within to grow beyond infatuation.

Won't you look my way once before you go
and my eyes will say what you ought to know.
Well you've got me standin' deaf and blind...
cause I see love as just a state of mind...
and who knows what it is that we might find...if we try.

You're walking a different direction from most people I've met.
You're givin' me signs of affection I don't usually get.
I don't want you to pledge your future the future's not yours to give.
Just stand there a little longer and let me watch while you live.

Well I've been thinking about you day and night...
and I don't know if it will work out right...
but somehow I think that it just might...if we try.
Somehow I think that it just might if we try.
Yes somehow I think that it just might if we try.

Thank You Don Mclean........