When I was in school, I withdrew into a shell, a shell made up of shyness, books, geeky glasses, a big red pimple (placed prominently in the centre of my nose ..... making me look like a certain famous reindeer) and a brahmanized version of Catholic guilt inculcated in me (unwittingly, she claims) by my mother. As if that wasn’t enough, I was also enveloped by a bubble, a beautiful bubble blown by my family, which distorted all the harsh light entering it from the outside world into a million happy bright and cheerful colours. Like all things made of soap it was a squeaky clean world, where everyone was good, worked hard and spoke English. In other words I was a righteously indignant, morally superior, highly oblivious, slightly lost girl who couldn’t say boo to a goose. Because there was no goose in my bubble and Brahmin guilt would never have let me utter the word Boo.
But somewhere deep down, I knew that it was different out there and that I too was different on the inside. I had to get away from home, and get away from home I did when I went to college (I refused to apply to any college in Delhi). In the last three years, I have emerged from my shell and the bubble has burst. Do I like what I see both inside and outside me? Most of the times I love this new old- world I’m finally getting a chance to explore and after a great deal of therapy, love and support I have come to accept myself, as I am now and as I was then. But sometimes (to put it very shortly) the world sucks and is too much for me to handle, and sometimes (to put it very politely) I become a short-tempered, loud mouthed asshole. In other words I am a righteously indignant, morally superior, not so oblivious, even more lost girl who has learnt to say much more than boo to animals even bigger than the average goose.
Today I lost my temper at an auto driver. He wanted to pick up an extra fare, a lady whose auto had broken down, because her destination and mine were on the same road. I put my foot down and told him that while I was perfectly willing to let the lady share the auto, I would pay him what had already been agreed upon and that the lady need not pay him anything extra. This upset him and he tried to argue with me, only to be cut short when I began to scream my head off at him. Scared by this outburst he quietly drove off leaving behind a relieved lady who preferred to remain stranded in the dark than share an auto with a slightly insane and most probably violent girl. I wanted to scream some more, when I realized that this would make it my 2nd outburst in 1 week. I sat silently trying to collect my thoughts and realized that I had lost my temper for nothing. I had helped no one, neither the lady who was still stranded nor the auto-driver who would have earned perhaps an extra 10 rupees and had managed to mask it all under a cloak of self-righteousness. Maybe I had made my condition not out of any charitable feeling towards the lady but only to spite the auto driver or because I thought of it as an easy painless way of gaining some much needed good karma. Whatever the fault of the auto-driver, I shouldn’t have yelled at him, the way I did, especially since, he a daily wage labourer was trying to earn 10 rupees more, only to be thwarted by a brat who can’t think of a single thing cheap enough to be bought in 10 rupees.Fundamentally I lost my temper because I wanted to and because I am privileged enough to do exactly what I want. The new Inside is not getting along very well with the Old Outside. Perhaps its a matter of experience and practice.
But somewhere deep down, I knew that it was different out there and that I too was different on the inside. I had to get away from home, and get away from home I did when I went to college (I refused to apply to any college in Delhi). In the last three years, I have emerged from my shell and the bubble has burst. Do I like what I see both inside and outside me? Most of the times I love this new old- world I’m finally getting a chance to explore and after a great deal of therapy, love and support I have come to accept myself, as I am now and as I was then. But sometimes (to put it very shortly) the world sucks and is too much for me to handle, and sometimes (to put it very politely) I become a short-tempered, loud mouthed asshole. In other words I am a righteously indignant, morally superior, not so oblivious, even more lost girl who has learnt to say much more than boo to animals even bigger than the average goose.
Today I lost my temper at an auto driver. He wanted to pick up an extra fare, a lady whose auto had broken down, because her destination and mine were on the same road. I put my foot down and told him that while I was perfectly willing to let the lady share the auto, I would pay him what had already been agreed upon and that the lady need not pay him anything extra. This upset him and he tried to argue with me, only to be cut short when I began to scream my head off at him. Scared by this outburst he quietly drove off leaving behind a relieved lady who preferred to remain stranded in the dark than share an auto with a slightly insane and most probably violent girl. I wanted to scream some more, when I realized that this would make it my 2nd outburst in 1 week. I sat silently trying to collect my thoughts and realized that I had lost my temper for nothing. I had helped no one, neither the lady who was still stranded nor the auto-driver who would have earned perhaps an extra 10 rupees and had managed to mask it all under a cloak of self-righteousness. Maybe I had made my condition not out of any charitable feeling towards the lady but only to spite the auto driver or because I thought of it as an easy painless way of gaining some much needed good karma. Whatever the fault of the auto-driver, I shouldn’t have yelled at him, the way I did, especially since, he a daily wage labourer was trying to earn 10 rupees more, only to be thwarted by a brat who can’t think of a single thing cheap enough to be bought in 10 rupees.Fundamentally I lost my temper because I wanted to and because I am privileged enough to do exactly what I want. The new Inside is not getting along very well with the Old Outside. Perhaps its a matter of experience and practice.
13 comments:
To some extent, I can relate. I was a shy tiny unattractive fat geeky little tamil girl with 2 oiled plaits who believed what was said to her by her parents and didn't think there was anything out there to explore, and in fact, never felt the need to. But I hated that. Not that I knew enough to realise that I hated that.
Later, maybe around my 12th std, I thought for myself for probably the first time in my life. Maybe it was the mere absence of uniforms. Maybe it was the tad mroe freedom from school (I was in junior college). And it's only increased after coming to this place. I'm so thankful I did really, because if I had just sat at home I would not have learnt half the practical things that I have here. Though this place is a bloody hellish social experiment as a lot of us agree, it brutally teaches you a lot of things you would not otherwise learn.
From a shy lost little girl who never thought she would amount to anything much, I've become an emotional mess of a slightly more attractive person who thinks enough to make up for all those lost years and is slowly going insane because of that very trait. But I still prefer this to my old world.
And you seem to have become a lot happier, it's obvious even to me to whom things aren't obvious even when they dance naked in front of me.
This new world thing is hard. Must think for self. Experience and practice is right :)
the "this is the correct norm and i will defend it irrespective of convenience" and the "convenience and minimum damage to all" approaches are fundamentally dichotomous. it is faulty, not to mention extremely discouraging (as you found out), to pick one line of action and criticise it on the basis of the other. you told off the auto driver because you had a principle in mind, namely that you were paying to be transported from Point A to Point B, and if someone else's journey happened to overlap within these parameters, your fare would cover that eventuality.
you criticise this entirely theory-based action on the basis of it being inconvenient and pointless to all concerned. The thing with these values and theories is that you have internalised them for reasons that have nothing to do with convenience! we are taught that these things are to be upheld purely because they are "right", not because they are "convenient". Criticising a value-based action through the convenience argument looks impressive but makes no sense. It is like a jewish "criticism" of christianity - christianity never claimed to be compatible with judaism!
what is , possible, however, is a rejection or an adoption of either approach; comparison is always possible, it's the criticism of one through the eyes of the other that is flawed.
note-- all of the above, as characteristic of me, is impartial to either approach. :)
Oh my god... people are preaching in this comment section...
the next time this happens... pay the rickshaw guy 20 bucks out of you own privileged pocket... and give the lady a lift too..
jokes apart.. this was a wonderful post... thoughtful in parts and funny at times... keep writing...
Ah well, sorry, you simply cannot be atrociously pretty, unbearably smart and normal too.
@ divya, I disagree about this place being a bloody hellish social experiment, But I do believe that this place ought to be studied by psychiatrists and sociologists. There’s a difference.
@hairsplitter, I got upset because of the way in which I lost my temper. Had I kept my cool, handled the situation a bit better, I would have ultimately come to a solution rather like what mind meanders suggests (in fact it occurred to me after the entire blow up). I screamed at the auto driver, because I was frustrated and not because I thought what he was doing was wrong (as a rule my mom and I never bargain for small amounts, if we can afford to spend 500 rupees eating dinner out, we can afford to pay an extra 10 or 20 rupees here and there) and this was an excellent opportunity to go all morally righteous (which was just an excuse or cover) and blow my top a bit. So to my mind "right" would have involved staying calm and showing a little bit of sympathy. That apart, our logic and ethics teacher would love your little dissertation, and I get the point.
@ mind meanders the next time this happens, thats exactly what I plan to do. This uh ehem Idea occurred to me about 10 minutes too late. So I ended up apologising to the guy and paying him what he'd originally asked for, which was considerably more than the bargained down amount.
As a person who was shy and meek as a kid, my (first) outbursts at overcharging auto-wallahs (and those who sold cold drinks at a price higher than mrp) were compensatory in the sense that they were made to prove to myself that i was capable of doing so, if the need arose. The 'I-am-not-a-doormat' rationalization. Soon, however, I found myself grunting, "Staff", in public transport buses. (Its a magic word that you can grunt in Delhi buses, and you dont have to purchase a ticket anymore, mainly because the bus conductor would be scared that you and some of your other grunting buddies will smash his bus like a pumpkin). I went from being unsure if i could stand up for myself, to being actively unfair to someone less privileged. The regret after the latter was the worse of the feelings.
I love the way you write. (almost as much as I love the anonymity that the internet provides so that I can say this)
@ hakuna, but I want it all! I want! I want!
Thank you for everything
@ JD, thats exactly what I don't want to be, the jerk in the restaurant screaming at the hapless waiter, or the bitch in a shop being rude to the salesperson. And while I scream at a wide range of people, I don't want to scream at people who can't scream back.
Wow! I don't think you could be more honest about what is going on with you. You're a really smart girl who just needs to get up and do more. All that frustration will evaporate and when you scream; you'll scream and it'll be for the good.
Best of luck #)
@Annon- Funny that you mention it, because around 5 minutes ago, while the both of us were heading back to hostel, we just stopped, screamed shrilly for 10 seconds, and walked on calmly, past a group of juniors who looked petrified :D It felt awesome :)
being the recipient of said scream, i know that it can, in fact, be startling. ;) but then again, who the hell hasn't felt that day once in a while (read - often)?
we're all always trying to figure ourselves out, aren't we? i always think i have it together, and i always think i have no fucking clue what i'm talking about. i really don't think that's ever going to change.
i may have learned to live with myself now (not getting into sad stories, but suffice it to say i too have a dark past, lol), but i'm also going to have to live with today's me tomorrow.
...and so on and so forth.
nicely written. :)
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